What do I really want?

Am I working because I want to or because I am locked in?

I have an education loan.

I know! I know, it’s not a good thing. But it was a necessity. That leads me to question if it is a system that locks people in. Does it keep me stuck?

I have been a rebel all my life. I always do things that my family disapproves of. But, at times I do those things to prove a point. Not because I believe in them. I am not staying true to myself.

What is staying true to myself? Do I want to be a nomad? No. Do I like lazing around all day doing nothing? No. Do I want to work hard at a job and make tons of money? Yes, but I want to retire soon. Why though? What would I do after retiring? I don’t know.

Introducing the crazy loophole of my current truth.

What do I really want?

Like I said, I have an education loan. I had some wiggle room to experiment, but most of it failed. So I am doing a regular job at a software company. I am not sure why it is “regular.”

Now, work has become a necessity. I need to clear my loan. If I don’t, there are loads of things to worry about - Bad credit, Interest, future debts, etc.

During my early days, entrepreneurship was a big deal for me. I thought if I ever worked at a “regular company” I would have failed. The only way for me was to own a business and to make it successful. Over time, my definition of entrepreneurship changed. Now, I believe there is more to it than money, fame, and the status of owning a business.

I look for things I like to do. Things that make me happy or feel complete. I want to have an impact.

My question is, can everything be something that makes me happy? Is it a balance thing? If I hate my job, does it mean I get to have a good life outside? Or vice-versa? Are there people who love their jobs and have a great life outside work? Or bad jobs and a bad life? It's confusing.

If I have to know what I want, then I don’t! Because all I can think of is clearing that loan.