The magical ‘Self-FULL’

As a child I was a bright student but exams always made me nervous, the pressure of performance made me experience butterflies in my stomach. Any kind of failure made me gut-sick. Adulthood took over and childhood was long gone. A series of failed relationships, medical emergencies, a difficult marriage, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law drama , a dramatic child birth. I had it all in my share. For the longest time that I know I was waiting for some magic to happen, things to fall in place and life to be beautiful the way it once felt. It was exhausting, painful, unbearable at times yet life moved on and I kept flowing with the flow. Somewhere deep down I was hoping, searching and trying to find that silver lining. Went through a lot of struggles , consulted a couple of psychologists and attended a few workshops, yet I found nothing working for me. I was still clueless, not sure whom to seek help from and what to do. The questions that I sat with were: How do I deal with so much stress and challenges? How come I was never prepared for this exam of life? How is everyone else able to cope up with this so-called life?
 

In all this the only thing that kept me grounded and probably sane was the love I received from my daughter. Motherhood is one of the purest and loveliest relationships I have experienced in my life so far. She gave me purpose and brought a lot of smiles. The first few months of her growing up were full of amazement and laughter. Life started looking beautiful and making more sense. 

But as they say, ‘Life has its own plans’. Unfortunately, those happy days were short lived and life threw us all off-track. And I was yet to figure out what to do with it. Life became a roller coaster ride with lots of ups and downs our way. With a medical disaster in the family we were all left on our toes trying to find some ground. We experienced the most painful human emotions of loss of body-parts functioning and the slowest possible recovery. The anchor of the family who was the most active member until a few weeks back,  was suddenly left bed-ridden, unable to walk, talk and eat on her own. There were a series of endless hospital visits, sleepless nights and medical tragedies. From moving cities, setting up new houses and arranging medical equipments we did everything to make our lives smoother. Though we are still struggling with that medical impairment in all aspects of life - financial, medical and emotional. Yet, we are also trying to live our own lives and come to an acceptance of it now. During all this craziness, there was this one year old who was constantly offering us life lessons and still bringing those lost smiles. 

After all these years, I realized that although I became a parent, I was never prepared for this role in life. Interestingly, in all this I discovered that we are not here to parent them. In fact they are here to teach us the most beautiful lessons of life. Children show us what it means to really live in the present moment. They show us how to explore life - fearlessly walking into the unknown and coming out stronger. She became my greatest teacher. I am still learning and evolving as a disciple. I hope one day I could become the mom I wish to be. I decided to work on myself. I started reading some parenting books, finding a community, connecting with like-minded folks and attending parenting workshops and summits to prepare myself for this role in life.

While I was trying to find some ground for myself, another series of events happened. Life brought about some adjustments for me and I found it difficult to navigate through these changes initially. I decided to embark on this new journey for my own personal happiness. While I was overwhelmed and  went into panic attacks. I decided to make changes that align with my personal growth and started taking baby steps. This gave me a sense that I am much more than what I thought of myself. I am capable of taking care and handling so many more things than I believed I could.This transition taught me that change is the only constant thing in life. In this journey I connected with myself more and found that magic.

Yes, finally the magic happened. The magic that I was waiting for this long was ‘with-in’ me and I found love. This newfound ‘self-love’ which was missing for long.  In all this I also connected to my love for nurturing others, love for connection, writing, poetry and art. Children intuitively love themselves the most and are fully connected to their deeper needs until we condition them to believe that we all are here to fit-in. They are not being selfish when they do this they are just teaching us the real meaning of being ‘self-full’. My daughter's love for herself was an eye opener for me. As each layer unfolded, I started discovering myself, the me which was unknown and which was buried under these layers of ‘trying to fit in’. As I nurtured the relationship with myself  it changed everything outside. Self-love inspired me to pursue my passions and embrace challenges. It encouraged me to continue on this journey of self-discovery , self-acceptance and being ‘self-full’. Now there is an awareness to put an effort to make the years count rather than counting the years. I have come to believe that learning has no age. Self-growth and inner-work is the only magic that we can offer to ourselves and others around us.