Retired but not tired

The thrill of Friyay has fizzled out , when everyday is a holiday , the joy of getting through the week and finally getting to Friday is lost , I am missing that elated feeling . On the flipside the irritation that crept in even as I woke up on  a Sunday , knowing I had to make the most of the teen hours I had at hand before Monday dawned, is missing too .

I wonder if  I am  the type who wants to have the cake and eat it too ? If I want the joys of liberation from the work routine , the tensions , yet when the salary credit goes missing , I wonder , how could I have had both .

Have ample time on hand , yet something amiss , the routine ? Perhaps , or is it my comfort zone of office , of meeting the same people for some years at least , greeting them each morning , of discussions , agreements and disagreements of clinching deals and at times missing  them by the proverbial slip between the cup and the lip . Of leading and getting lead .

The absolute seventh heaven feel when I have managed to sell something although at times the same pitch didn't quite work to a point of  frustration .

People I  meet identify me through my work  , a proud feeling , yet when I tell them that now I have taken a backseat , I have retired , is it a twinge of regret that I feel . All gone too soon , the accolades , the recognition , the glory as well the brickbats , the sadness of failure of not meeting expectations , the relief that the journey accomplished was good , was a blessing , couldn't have been better !

Yet , the holiday list for the year ahead seems listless , no longer holding excitement , of trying to check the calendar if I can combine some holidays and take a getaway , crossing fingers that my colleague/ s would not want to be on leave at the same time and the boss tells me , I will have to wait a while .  All the days ahead are holidays so to say yet the daily household routine never gives you a retirement . There's no super annuation from these chores  ever .

Festival fervour , egging colleagues to take part in competitions , checking emails when the results are to be announced, waiting to check if any of us feature in the winners list,  seems distant , celebrations of occasions , birthday parties and baby showers with colleagues seem to have receded to the horizon , fading away , yet me trying to hold on to these precious , frivolous memories .

Major missing colour coordinating with colleagues , making reels to trending songs , dragging reluctant colleagues , trying to make them understand having some fun whilst working is good for health !

Thirty two years is a die hard habit , it's like the very pulse that was my existence has paused . It will take a while to make this lifestyle a habit , I want to get used to , to realise I don't have to be running anywhere , anymore . To know I can finally relax and chill , breathe deep and keep my own pace .

When people ask what plans , I seem to be at a loss to answer , for no plans have been made , taking a day at a time , no time tables to adhere to  . Contradictory as I may seem , it's exactly that , bittersweet , happy , contended , yet a tinge of sadness , somewhere , someplace , maybe , just maybe , I could rewind , do things better perhaps , relive those moments yet again . Wish there was a rewind button life had , special moments , moments you want to take in and savour , hold them a little longer before you let go .